From A to Z

As I eluded to in previous posts, I am learning High German all intensive style.  This means 5 days a week, 3.5 hours per day and up to 2 hours of homework each night.  PEOPLE, this is equivalent to being a full time university student.  Why would I do this to myself you ask?  It is my personal belief that you should respect the country you are inhabiting enough to be able to order food in a restaurant, thank a cashier or tell a stranger who has somehow crossed you to "%$@^ off" in that country's respective language.  I am also unable to work so this gives me a much needed boost to my self esteem, a feeling of belonging and perhaps leverage with companies should I one day search for employment.

German is freakin hard but I am slowly learning it.  How do I know this?  I have identified 5 signs, which if you have ever learned or are currently learning a new language, may be able to identify with:

1. You start to dream in the new language:  So dreams are sometimes unintelligible in your native tongue so imagine how it must feel to dream in a language you just started learning.  You wake up wondering "what the hell did that German Crocodile just say...wait a second, there are no Crocodiles in Switzerland".  My brain just picks any German word it has seen or learned the previous day and has inserted it into any conversation my dreams may have.  It is bat crap crazy to dream in a language you yet understand, leave it to the brain.

2. You have discovered Worterbuch humor:  If you are learning a new language, your brain suddenly has this valve that needs to be released to let some steam out.  There is only so much your brain can take before it needs some comic relief.  Friends, this comic relief comes in the form of your language conversion dictionary so if you have one, please take the time to explore it.  Here are some fine examples:



I imagine being the writer of a translation dictionary must be mundane at best. I bet said writer takes out their flask of alcohol, takes a nip of some liquid strength and uncovers exciting new ways to explain a word.  This dude was having way too much fun but I view it as a gift, to me and you.


Just in case you have already learned thousands of normal words or if you just get bored of normal words, fear not, you have American slang inspired by Beyonce to add to your repertoire.

3. You have a place that gives you angst:  Part of learning a language is taking the time to practice outside the safe haven of the classroom.  You find there is this one place that really makes you nervous. Maybe they replied to you in English, maybe you said everything wrong and they gave you a sneer instead of a stare. Maybe there is no logical reason why you have this one place that reduces you to a person who practices for 10 minutes on the walk over, out loud, with the real possibility of being swooped up by the Sanatorium workers for talking to yourself while cursing.  My angsty place is the Bakery.  Bakeries are high turnover establishments, there is always a line, people order quickly, pay quickly, and then get the hell out of there...quickly.  I think my angst comes from having to say it right, quickly and confidently.  I am lucky if I leave there with what I intended to order.  Silver lining is I have tried many different types of breads, some I probably never would have deliberately ordered.

4. You find you have to relearn grammar, in your own language: Grammar, you hated learning it in English and you forgot it on purpose.  I don't need to know what a stinkin preposition is...who cares about articles, unless they are in People magazine while you are waiting in the Dentist office.  Adverbs, they are a poor man's verb...I think.  In order to properly learn a new language, you have to relearn the different components of grammar in your native tongue to be able to move forward with the new language.  It is imperative! (that was lame grammar humor, bet you didn't know there was a grammatical component called "The Imperative".  Sounds like a really bad Grisham novel).

5. You start making room in your brain for the new language:  My brain has a finite amount of space for a new language.  As you can see from this diagram, I don't have a lot of room to play with:


So, near my brain stem is my language center.  When I learn new German words, I have to make room for them so in order to do so, I lose some English words.  I have calculated that for every new word I learn in German, I can lose up to two English words.  German words are freakin long, so it is only logical from a storage perspective that there is a 1:2 ratio.  My greatest fear is this method will lead me to becoming mediocre in two languages.  This is a very real possibility.  You probably noticed that I have space to rent in my brain.  Send any serious inquiries to my email: fromatlantatozurich@gmail.com.  We can discuss prices and details off line.

I want to end with this.  No matter where I am in the German learning, certain words will never lose their giggle potential. You can't take the juvenile out of Kristi:  Fahrt, Fahrts, Fahrten, Gasse, Dich, Dick, are just a few. Fortunately I have a teacher with a great sense of humor and calls on me whenever an answer needs a dich or a fahrt.