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- Kristi
- The Boy, 2 Muttleys and I have finally realized our dream of living 1 mile from the Lindt Chocolate Factory. Leaving Atlanta (the World of Coke) for Zurich (the World of Chocolate) hasn't come without challenges, incredible fun or giggles. Follow along as I chronicle our adventures as we acclimate to this new Swiss lifestyle.
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Sunday, January 17, 2010
Bat Crap Crazy-Volume 3
The Art of the European Greeting
For us Americans who are used to handshakes or hugs for our greetings, saying hello or goodbye in Europe can be as messy and confusing as a Jackson Pollack painting. I can't remember the last time I have shaken a hand but I have experienced quite a few awkward hugs and inadvertent head butts.
The Swiss Way: The Swiss greet each other with three kisses on the cheek while lightly grasping the other person somewhere on the arm region. I remember on one social occasion that all this kissing made all my facial muscles hurt. I had to kiss freaking 10 people 3 times each. Doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out that is more kissing than a porn star does in one shift. I was quickly corrected on my form after complaining that my face hurt. You aren't actually supposed to move your mouth or kiss, you are just supposed to touch your cheek to the other person's cheek. Making a fake kissing noise is optional.
Just as my confidence in this fake kissing greeting was peaking, I learned that the Swiss way isn't the only way.
The Every Other European Except for the Swiss Way: Fake kiss twice while holding the other persons arm region loosely.
The American Married to a Swiss Way: Go in for the fake three kiss thinking that they converted to the Swiss way for their spouse, then find out they would rather hug the crap out of you because they are still American and still love to hug.
The non-Swiss European Who Has Lived in Switzerland for Less than Three Months Way: Fake kiss twice as they did in their Mother country, then watch as they awkwardly remember they now are supposed to fake kiss a third time, head butt each other in the nose, apologize profusely and blame it on the really good beer you are both enjoying.
The non-Swiss European Who has Lived in Switzerland Longer than Three Months: They have successfully adapted from the fake two kiss to the fake three kiss. By this point there are typically no more inadvertent head butts or awkward pauses between fake kiss two and three.
The Americans Greeting Other Americans Way: Hug each other as if it were your last day on earth and whisper to person you are hugging "I love to hug, just let me hold you".
The Dude Way: You can fake kiss other dudes and in the words of Jerry Seinfeld, "there is nothing wrong with that" here. A handshake is acceptable however.
There are so many combinations of the European greeting sometimes I feel like I need the Little Orphan Annie decoder ring from "A Christmas Story" to figure out what to do in each situation. Each greeting situation has its own code and its very own result.
I am happy to report that the results are getting less and less embarrassing and more consistent. I now only average one head butt per week and/or awkward transition. Much like the second language learning curve, soon I will be able to greet anyone without thinking about it first and without incident.
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6 comments:
This is great!! Oh boy. The grandmother of the woman I used to work for (as her au pair, so I was "part of the family") would REALLY kiss me three times on the CORNERS of my mouth for both hello and goodbye. Ick!
Funny post. I'd like to say it gets easier after living here for almost four years, but I'd be lying.
This is hysterical - and quite accurate as well ! Love it. Here's a fun image for you - spending holidays with my French husband's family. Every time you arrive and again when you leave, you have to "faire la bise" (2 kisses) with everyone... and there are almost 40 people at those family reunions ! Thank goodness they're not Swiss ! ;)
Saw your mention in today's Ron Orp newsletter, congrats !
Drink your Ovaltine!
excellent blog! i found you through ron orp and you've inspired me to finally start my own journal about my new swiss life. i wonder if the swiss kiss 3 times because it's the only time they can show some PDA. one way to get out of the 3 way kisses is to say you have a little cold. i've never faked illness but it's good to know you have options. as for hugging, it was only after reading your entry that i realized HOW MUCH I MISS IT!
Melania, I am so thrilled I have inspired you. It is a great way to document your time here and most of all, it is great fun. I have caught more colds here than anywhere else I have lived and I am convinced it is all the fake kissing.
Kerrin, I have calculated that your family reunions consist of 80 kisses too many. Thanks for letting me know of my mention. I am totally tickled about the un-solicited press I received.
Amanda, all I can say is "ewwwww".
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